Catching Our Shadows
Discovering & learning to accept the parts of ourselves we try to most to conceal.
As a kid, I was never a big fan of the cartoon Peter Pan, but I loved the live-action remake "Hook" starring Robin Williams. There's one scene where Williams playing Peter, is explaining how he would fly into open windows at night chasing his shadow, he says "I expected my shadow and I to join together like two drops of water." Peters tugs at his shadow's foot trying to pull it free from the wall but the shadow has a life of its own and strongly resists. Peter cries and struggles to unite with his shadow.
Although we don't have literal shadows that move freely and in protest of our intentions, we do have "shadow selves"which Dr. Nicole LePera defines as "the undesirable parts of our self that are repressed or denied as a result of conditioning and shame," (2021). In other words, shadow selves are the parts of us that we attempt to hide, ridicule, and ignore in an effort to make them go away because they feel unacceptable. However, famous psychologist Carl Jung, who is largely credited with the creation of the shadow self, believed that we need to integrate our shadow selves to be fully human. Our shadow selves reveal so much about what areas we can work and grow on to make us feel more self-confident, self-assured, and satisfied in our lives.
It can be easier to let our shadows wander free, pretending we can go on without them. However, like Peter, if we struggle to attempt to unite with our shadow selves it can lead us to discover things we may have never imagined for ourselves.
Below are some questions to ask yourself to engage with your shadow self, this type of thought is often referred to as "shadow work." I encourage you to pick a medium that best suits you including journaling, typing, or artwork. Shadow work is hard, it is incredibly uncomfortable, and can tap into old triggers and pains we have been ignoring. If you start this work and find yourself growing distressed, please pause. Find a safe way to tend to your needs such as reaching out to a trusted person.
What am I jealous of others for?
What do I think it says about what I feel I am lacking?
What characteristics tend to bother me in other people?
How do these characteristics show themselves in me?
When and why do I give others unsolicited advice?
What kind of advice do I give that I don't follow myself?
What do I say about other people when they aren't present?
What do I worry other people say about me when I'm not present?
What do I hope others will never see about me?
What insecurities make me uncomfortable when others point out or I think they notice?
What emotion do I consistently avoid feeling or have difficulty expressing?
What ways do I express the emotion that I know don't feel is safe/helpful/useful to me?
What things do other people do that make me feel rejected?
How does this relate to ways I felt rejected growing up?
Pause. Take 3 deep breaths, inhale through your nose till your lungs reach capacity and then exhale slowly through your mouth till the air is gone. Take a moment to sit with yourself for all the self-exploration you have done. Consider giving yourself a comforting form of touch, this could be hands on the heart, one hand on your chest and one on your belly, arms wrapped around yourself, or simply laying flat on the floor. Take a moment to try giving yourself love. Try repeating the below phrase, even if you don't 100% mean or accept it yet. If you'd like, try to imagine your current self telling it to your younger self.
Tell yourself:
"I am sorry about the deep pain and hurt that you have experienced. I am sorry you did not always have the support and understanding that you needed. I know that you did not always have the acceptance and love you deserved. I am here to love you now. You can depend on me. You are safe with me. I am so proud of who you are. I have the capacity to hold your big feelings, fears and worries--especially the painful ones."
Now try writing your own statement like the one above. What do you wish others had told you when you were struggling through the shadow parts of yourself? What would have made a difference to make you feel loved and accepted? What can you tell yourself now that will help with accepting these parts of you?