You and Who You Were Told to Be
Narrative therapy is a style of counseling that focuses on individuals and communities and the stories we tell others and ourselves to understand our world including problems (Morgan, 2000). It stands on the belief that we are constantly telling stories and creating plot lines in our lives to explain what we are experiencing and that these stories can help or hurt us. They can also be changed, re-learned, and re-written.
One key concept of narrative therapy is the “authentic self”. Our authentic self is who we are without the impact of others’ stories about who we should be. When we are young, prior to age 8-9, we are very in touch with our “authentic self” or “true self”. We are typically less focused on what others may think or feel about our actions, likes, and dislikes. We are typically more free to engage in the things that make us feel happy and the people who make us feel good (Gibson, 2015).
As we get older we become conditioned or influenced to be more focused on our “role self” or “fictitious self”. This is the self that we have been told, whether implicitly or explicitly, to be by other people in our life. Often this is our parent figures, teachers, community leaders, or even peers. It is the self we become to fit in better, to be more accepted and safer at home, to function within the mainstream acceptances of society.
Why is it important to distinguish our authentic self from our role self? When our roles self and our authentic self are in conflict it leads to dysregulation, unhappiness, and suffering. I encourage you to take some time to explore your different selves in whatever way speaks to you the most. This could include journaling, collaging, creating a pinterest or virtual vision board with artwork, typing up your thoughts in a doc or notes app.
Questions to ask yourself to identify your authentic self:
Prior to the age of 8-9:
What adjectives would you use to describe yourself?
What activities made you feel happy or joyful?
Who did you love to spend time with? What characteristics did those people have?
Where did you feel the most free, safe and happy? What characteristics did that place have?
What superpowers, skills or abilities did you have (or imagine you had)?
What did an ideal day look like?
What special knowledge or areas of interest did you have?
What qualities were most valuable for you to have in a friend?
Questions to ask yourself to identify your role/fictitious self:
Beyond age 8-9:
What compliments did you regularly receive from adults in your life?
What criticisms did you regularly receive from adults in your life?
What activities did you participate in that made you feel uncomfortable or bored? What characteristics did those activities have?
Who made you feel uncomfortable or tired to be around? What characteristics did those people have?
What did you feel you needed to do to receive support, attention, and love from your immediate family?
What feelings did you feel like you needed to hide or suppress?
What activities did you have to pretend to dislike or be disinterested in to be accepted?
What values were taught by the adults in your life?
How did you speak about yourself to others when you wanted to make a good impression?
Feel free to take as much time as you need to work your way through these questions. Paying attention to discomfort and need for breaks. Look at your lists, look at things that match between the lists or oppose each other. Consider the things you are doing today, the people you surround yourself with, the words you say about yourself–Do they support your authentic self or do they support your role self? How can you change your behavior and habits to move closer to who you are?